While I usually pass over Steven Seagal movies (at least the ones he made after "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory"), I was befuddled when I first happened upon a DVD cover plastered with him on it. I remembered reading somewhere that this was his first horror movie and for a nanosecond, I was slightly interested. Now, the post "Under Seige 2" part of me says "Keep walking!" but the better part of me - the "I-am-a-horror-movie-fan-running-a-horror-movie-review-site" ego - made me pick it up. Now, I work part time at my local Hollywood Video, so my rentals are free and if I happen upon a real stinker, I don't feel bad for wasting the money. Reading the description the DVD marketing guys at Sony kindly put on the back of the cover stated: "Katana master Tao (Steven Seagal) leads a special ops squad of ex-military vigilantes on a massacre mission, their target: vampires. On the post-apocalyptic globe, sucked dry by bloodthirsty vampires, a few remaining survivors are trapped in an infected hospital. Tao is their only hope and he knows the only cure is execution. Now it's time for the last stand against the flesh-eating vampires and there's nothing left to lose but the last of humanity." "Wow," "Cool," and "I can't wait to pop this one in my DVD player!" were the first statements out of my mouth. Now, I'm not gullible and do consider myself somewhat of an intelligent person (I claim to know everything...it's just that I can't remember most of it!) and I don't fall for marketing tricks most people base their movies selections on.

The movie follows a basic plot so nothing new here. It opens with a voice over explaining the current state of the world. It is explained that the world was infected by a virus that was causing people to feed on the blood of others with no vaccine or immunities. [So far so good setting up the vampire mode.] After the stock footage of mayhem plays out during the narration, we are presented with some very gory scenes of what appear to be zombies chomping on very bloody viscera of victims. [Okay, it's starting to lose me here...I thought this was a vampire flick!] Now, I said "zombies" because of all of the horror movies I've watched, vampires don't sit on the ground fighting each other over a length of intestine while the rest are munching on limbs and other chest cavity organs. This was very reminiscent of the basement scene in Dawn of the Dead (1978) where the zombies are eating the victims fed to them. [I've now been converted to zombie mode!]

If you think the intro narration was frustrating, the future of this film is laid out when Seagal's character, Tao, finally appears. He's leading a small group of military types fast-walking down an alley in a formation that reminded me of geese flying south for the winter. Their mission is to find any survivors and to kill as many infected as they can before time runs out. On top of that, he's got an extraordinarily long katana tucked under his arm ready to spring into action when called upon - WARNING: don't stand too close behind him or you'll lose an eye! The train continues to speed down the track when Tao says his first line: "We're not here to decide who's right or wrong. We're here to decide who lives and dies" in his trademark dramatic tone. Yes, I had to rewind that part to make sure I heard what I thought I heard. It was reinforced with his second line, "We gotta clear each building room by room. Girls...kill anything that looks infected" and his third line (in response to someone asking what they're to do if they find survivors), "If they're tough enough, we'll take them with us." The script is a major distraction and it seems that everyone's lines were made to flow with Seagal's.

Tao and co. finally meet up with a group of survivors trying to make their way through a hospital (the same exterior shot used in "Kingdom Hospital"). From there, they discover that there is a secret exit that would lead them to a safe location. The problem is, they only have a little time to get there before the generator quits - which would lock them in the infested hospital forever (gasp!) - and that this exit is on the other side of the planet...well, really just in the basement but you get the idea of how they need to turn this into a 94 minute romp!

The set design is terrible but understandable considering that of the $9M budget, at least $3M was probably spent on obtaining Seagal's difficult contract. Each hall they travel is the same and leads to the same room...it's just filled with different shit and filmed from a different angle. Also, since when does a hospital need an extremely large storage room full of mannequins? What are the mannequins for? It makes for an intriguing scene but not for this film. Why do some hallways appear to be abandoned for hundreds of years and some still new? What was with the locked bathroom stalls and why would you crawl under one? Why would a secret exit to a safe place be in a hospital in the middle of the city? These are just a few of the many questions you will be asking yourself throughout this flick.

One thing about the inclusion of Steven Seagal in this film...he's got a fan base and anyone making a movie with him in it are sure to at least attract that base regardless of how shlocky it is. Seagal doesn't disappoint as much as I thought here despite his advanced age, advanced weight, and apparently diminished martial arts skill. Those facts can be obscured with good editing and cinematography and either first-time director, Richard Crudo, intentionally did that or his inexperience directing was a byproduct of it. I would think the latter since Crudo is well known for his cinematography skills with such titles as "Raising Arizona", "Field of Dreams", "Ghostbusters II" and "Donnie Darko." Seagal doesn't stray far from what has worked for him in all of his films: brash, exhaling tough-guy unemotional deliveries; a sharp object as weapon of choice; twirling martial arts style; and broken arms and kneecaps.

While Seagal is the focus of the DVD cover, the rest of the cast take center stage. Other than Seagal and Keith David, the rest of the cast are B grade actors who's only work include stunt, short-lived TV shows, and soap operas. Not knocking Mr. David, there was no reason to include his salary in this budget; he has about 2 minutes of total screen time, and his only role was to order the complete annihilation of the city (hey, I thought the whole world was infected but I guess you have to destroy one city at a time!) The other main characters are so brainless and one-dimensional, I was left with no hope for them and I was looking forward to how each one of them was going to get killed off. In typical fashion, the party splits up, no one arms themselves, and going into dark rooms that obviously contain danger are the norm. I guess this is what is supposed to amount to a scare tactic but after watching multitudes of these movies, it gets very frustrating very fast - it only leads to a way to thin out the herd. It's also a complete guessing game as to who survives and who gets killed since no one in particular stand out as being sympathetic for. Some of the stupid shit I noticed with the characters:

• Why does one character always have to be from the UK in these movies?
• How can one guy have a serious conversation with another guy when he's taking a shit in a bathroom stall?!?!
• Why is it that only one person has to "go check it out?" They were always better off staying in a group and it was only when one would have to "go check it out" did they get into trouble.
• There's only one thing dumber than when you enter an unlit hospital room with "something" lying on a steel table with a blood-stained sheet covering it asking "What is that?" and that is someone answering "I'll check it out". YOU ARE IN A HOSPITAL INFESTED WITH ZOMBIE VAMPIRES YOU IDIOT!!!
• If you are tired of running from zombie vampires all day and you come upon a blanket and pillow in the middle of the hallway, just lie down and take a nap...no one will bother you much less see you. But not to fear, as Steven Seagal is in the house!!!
• After obviously stomping on a zombie's face about 10 times, you will not leave bloody footprints when you run away

As for you gorehounds out there, all of the gore scenes are static...meaning, the FX crew only worked on the dead victims and all of the action sequences did not show any blood, amputations, nor dismemberments. The intestine tug-of-war scenes at the beginning of the film were way cool but despite mostly fighting with bladed weapons, blood splurts can only be seen after the vampires hit the ground. A very disappointing missed opportunity.

While there are some cool gore scenes and the makeup on the vampires/zombies, the action lacked any realness and the danger wasn't present. The characters were not worth rooting for and the plot reminded me of an updated Ed Wood film...but intentionally bad. I would hazard a guess that Seagal did this purely for the fact that an effortless paycheck was being handed to him and knowing he was acting in a completely mindless piece of crap, he didn't even try to act (come to think of it, when has ever really acted?) As for the movie, I would only rent this if you are a die-hard Seagal fan or if your brain has shriveled to the size of a walnut.